When your boss cancels a one-on-one meeting, do you immediately wonder if it's because of something you said or did? When a work colleague seems curt in an email, do you think, Are they upset with me? When one of your team members seems distant, does your mind race to figure out what you have done to upset them? When there is a delayed email response, do you question yourself? When there is a leadership cohort and you weren't included in it, do you tell yourself, I must have done something to cause them to exclude me? When you are passed over for a promotion, do you tell yourself, I'm such a failure because I just couldn't get that promotion. I'm absolutely no good. When your boss is constantly irritated at you, do you say, It's my fault that my boss is always upset with my work. I must not be good enough as a team member. So today, I want to focus on a critical mistake many leaders make—self-blame. That's my leadership-in-a-minute word for you today.
This tendency to attribute external events to oneself, even when there is little or no evidence to support that interpretation, is called self-blame leadership. It's a situation where a leader excessively blames themselves for negative outcomes within their teams and organizations, and that potentially impacts their decision-making and overall mental health. Self-blame often stems from a perceived external locus of control, meaning your sense of worth depends on how others perceive you. And because we feel like blame needs to go somewhere, as leaders, we've always been taught that we can no longer blame others—we have to blame ourselves, take the blame on ourselves. Well, that's a significant mistake we make. It will stunt your growth as a person and as a leader. So what should you do? Must you put the blame on others? Or must you just not accept the blame? No, not at all. There is a difference between leaders who accept blame and leaders who accept responsibility. Both are different.
As a leader, one of the biggest things you can do is accept responsibility. If you blame yourself, you will get caught up in a self-defeating cycle of negativity. If you accept responsibility, you will grow. You will think of better solutions. You will find where the problem lies and begin to improve. It will take you into a zone of growth, whereas blame will take you into depression. It will make you feel low. It will make you fearful of taking further action. You will not be able to experiment. You will not be able to innovate. You will hate to make mistakes. When thoughts like What am I doing wrong? Why do they hate me? Am I not good enough for doing this? race through your mind like a speed train, in these moments, it's very important to take a step back and consider your situation from a distance. Take the emotion out of it and really analyze what's going on. You have to begin to strengthen your sense of self, and you will feel more grounded and less reliant on other people's approval. So rather than getting into a zone of self-blame and accepting everything that people put on you, start going into a zone of self-responsibility.
Your Good Friend and Mentor
Payal Nanjiani
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